To Amma,
My eyes well up with tears, my hands have turned cold, and my fingers have turned numb. I am blank, just like the way I used to be, before my Mathematics paper. I don’t know where to begin or what to write.
Shall I write about the day, when you refused to hold me close, just because, I was a girl or shall I write about the day when you locked me in the dark bathroom for 4 hours?
Shall I write about the day you sent me with your parents or shall I write about the day, when you put me for adoption?
Shall I write about the day when told my sister not to waste time playing with me or shall I write about the day when you said, “I wish you were born dead?”
Shall I write about those umpteen moments when you refused to even acknowledge that I was your daughter or shall I write about the instances when you beat me with those iron rods?
Shall I write about all the abuse, emotional and physical or shall I write about your brother who tried to misbehave with me?
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Shall I write about the day you asked Dad to throw me away from your sight or shall I write about the day, when you said, I brought misfortune to you.
Shall I write about the years, I tried to mask my feelings or shall I write about the years you neglected me?
Shall I write about the tears I shed or shall I write about the moments I felt crushed?
Shall I write about the dent you left on my personality or shall I write about my poor self-esteem?
Shall I write about the girl whose questions you never answered?
Shall I write about the girl who yearned for your love, all her life?
Tell me Amma, what shall I write???
PS: This is my 200th post and I dedicate this to my biological mom, whose indifference and hatred led me to writing. I thank her for giving me this life and this ability to pen down my feelings in the form of words.
Hi Gayu
Congratz on your 200th post! I stumbled here a long time ago and stop by occasionally and leave silently, but today I didn't want to leave without saying anything…
Hugs to you and remember the words of the tamil
song you wrote a while ago…"Ovvoru pookkalume solkirathe…"
Hugs again! Keep smiling always 🙂
Sheila,
I am so grateful that you stopped by at the right time to say this! The Tamil song is very close to my heart, and it comforts me during the low phases.
When I wrote this post, I was completely low, however after the vent out, I felt much better:)
Keep reading and Hugs to you too:)
I'm speechless…
Best wishes to you…always. TC:)
Thanks Tarang for your wishes!
And your each comment matters a lot!
Congrats on your 200th post.and you are a brave girl, Gayatri.Always be happy.
Thanks Kalpana, for your continued support and encouragement. Its your comments that keeps the flame of my creativity alive:)
Gayu… this is extremely touching… U moved me to tears with this one!
Hugs to you dear… for being all that you are despite all that happened.
I can just say I am proud to know someone like you… and I LOVE YOU for all that you are 🙂
Loads of love and hugs to you <3
P.S: Congrats on your 200th post! Cheers for many more.